Me?

its been 4 months since my daddy died. is it a lot or not? even though i was ready about it i'm not enough strong to face it. i'm just wondering how i'm still alive after all the things i saw.. after seeing my daddy suffering i thought i would be strong but i was wrong.. day by day its breaking my heart more and more. day by day i miss him more and more.. i try to go on but its so hard.. i hate my life.. there is nothing i can do to make my life like i want it to be.. why should that happen now? i know nothing can change now. but i wanna try to make my life better.. i'm really happy the last months cuz i think i have people beside me but i'm not so happy as i want to.. there are random moments that i start crying without reason, moments that i feel so fucking lonely.. then those feelings go away and i can smile again.. but they don't go away forever they come back to hurt me once again..i'm wondering what changed me? why i am like this? i know i can change everything but its really hard.. all i need for now is someone to hug me tight and whisper to my ear "everything's gonna be ok, i'm here for you" but there is no one.. or maybe there is someone who i can't see..someone who tries to help me somehow.. i want to feel that, that someone cares.. i've been bored the stupid people, people who judge me without know a thing about me, people who say bad things about me.. i don't wanna meet people like those anymore but that's impossible..cuz its always the same, always the same.. when i feel happy, really there is always something that destroy me.. but there is nothing i can do about it.. pff i talk too much about my stupid life but this is one of the ways i can help myself.. just a little bit.. anyway dunno i will keep trying maybe..